The two types of tantrum
TANTRUMS can be really difficult to manage. They often occur as a child is developing language and learning how to manage themselves in social settings. However there are two very different types of tantrums and it can be really helpful to understand the differences. A recent conversation with Thrive trainer and Regional Development Manager Anne Barnes
The Oxford dictionary describes a tantrum as 'An uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration, typically in a young child with their example sentence being 'he has temper tantrums if he can’t get his own way'..The idea that a tantrum takes place purely so one can get their ‘own way’ is still believed by many. Tantrums have long been associated in this way with being angry, being ‘wilful’ and trying to gain or regain control of a situation. However some of the ‘out of control’ tears, thrashing about and screaming that is sometimes seen in supermarkets is not necessarily to do with the child wanting to be in charge but rather with needing an adult to be in charge whilst making the situation for the child emotionally manageable.
It is true that two + year old children are exercising their new-found mobility and capacity to say no. This is a necessary stage in their development. At this stage, adults need to be available to ‘lend their thinking brains’ to help children to recognise their sensations and emotions and to help them to make choices about how to behave. A ‘tantrum’ occurs when this on-going learning gets side-tracked because of very strong feelings. The important and useful thing is to notice whether this sudden emotional outburst is ‘Wet’ or ‘Dry’. The way in which you respond to and soothe a child will be different depending on the type of tantrum they are experiencing.
Wet Tantrum
A child experiencing a ‘wet’ tantrum will often be in floods of tears, become all hot, sweaty and runny nosed, hence the ‘wet’. This type of tantrum will occur when a child has not yet developed ways to soothe or calm themselves when feeling any really strong or sudden emotion. In this case, the child needs the adult to stay steady and emotionally calm, to notice the early signs of any mounting distress and to move in quickly to physically offer calming and soothing. This can be done by naming the upset, offering empathic soothing or holding and helping the child to get back to being ‘regulated’ by breathing with them. Saying things like, “That was disappointing for you.” or “ooh, that really hurts” or “It’s really hard when XYZ.” Naming the feelings can be helpful. “It is so scary when …”, “I bet you felt left out then”, ‘It is hard when your brother gets something you can’t have- really makes you upset.’, “Did I leave you for too long. I bet you felt lost. That was scary.” Ignoring or inviting the child into a power-play will usually only make the child’s distress worse;
If you can get down to the child’s level, hold them firmly and gently, lower your voice and speak slowly, rhythmically, all the time breathing deeply alongside the child, the distress will subside. The child will eventually calm, they will learn that they can trust you to help them contain the emotions they cannot yet manage and the links into learning emotional vocabulary will be made. It is really important that you remain calm and steady. Your child will not be able to calm down if they feel you getting anxious, scared or angry in response. You are the external regulator of your child’s state until they learn to do it themselves;
Being alongside a child who is experiencing a ‘wet’ tantrum can be upsetting for you especially if the child’s uncontrolled crying is happening in a public place. Remember that you are developing your child’s capacity to manage strong emotions in all of your responses: through attention and noticing, through voice level, tone and volume and through your quiet, steady presence;
Later when the child has calmed, you can talk more about what happened. “ You got so upset earlier, all hot and sweaty.” “It’s really difficult for you when that happens.” “Do you remember what we did together? We took some big deep breaths, I held you/held your hand/ stayed with you quietly until that big storm passed.” “ Do you remember what happened before you got upset? I think it might have been XYZ. “ “Let’s see what we can do together so that that does not happen again.” All of these sayings – and others you come up with- will help the child to recognise their sensations, their emotions and their trust in you as adult to be there to help them out.
Dry tantrum
A child experiencing a ‘dry’ tantrum, or a Little Nero tantrum as it is sometimes referred to, will not necessarily cry. However, the child may be making a lot of noise. This type of tantrum will normally occur in a child who wants to be able to change what is happening: she or he wants to be in charge;
Once again, it is developmentally normal for a child to experience themselves as the centre of the universe (18 months - 3 or 4 years). When they learn that they can do things on their own, there is a wonderful feeling of omnipotence. The child feels powerful and able to ‘make things happen';
This is a very important stage in social learning: they are finding out how to be with others, how to manage really big feelings like (really) wanting, disappointment, frustration or despair and how to be with others when their wishes are denied or their plans are thwarted. A child who regularly resorts to shouting, stamping, screaming, spitting, pushing, grabbing without being contained and taught alternative ways to behave is learning that they can get the adult to do what they want. That is a very unsafe place for a young child to be. As a result, a pattern of controlling behaviour may result. The child will learn, through his or her repeated interactions, which behaviours are likely to result in them ‘winning’ the power-play. These will become settled patterns of behaviour that may even interrupt learning as the child goes into school;
Socially, the child needs to have their sense of ‘omnipotence’ regulated, but this needs to be done with sensitivity and care. Helping a child to manage these very big and challenging feelings is a crucial developmental step. It happens as the child moves into more independent action in the world and as they test the boundaries with those closest to them. Firmly held boundaries, especially about personal safety (for the child, for you, the adult, and for others) need to be held consistently. This is hard when you, the adult, are feeling tired or stressed or up against a deadline. However, a boundary held at this stage will prevent much more challenging power-related tussles later, for example when the youngster is 14;
You will need to continue to use the steadying, calming responses that you use to build the child’s self-regulating systems, as you did for the ‘wet’ tantrums. Now, however, the child needs a clear, loving and firm message that this type of behaviour is not acceptable;
The tone an adult should use when dealing with a child experiencing a dry tantrum should still catch and match the emotional intensity of the child’s experience. However, now, you, the adult needs to communicate that this type of behaviour will not be tolerated. “This is not OK.” “I need you to stop this now.” “Punching, kicking, pushing, spitting is never OK.” “I can see you are very angry/ upset/ frustrated/ disappointed and that is hard but behaving like this is not OK. I will not change my mind.” “I will stay with you until this storm has passed.” This is not going to get you want you want.”
Other saying might include: “I can see that you’re really finding this tricky.” “ I imagine you’re very cross that you can’t get what you want right now. “ “It is really hard when we cannot have what we want.” “It is very disappointing.”
This relational approach allows the child to have their feelings acknowledged, whilst also letting them know their behaviour is unacceptable;
Adults do need to be aware that on occasions a ‘dry’ tantrum can become a ‘wet’ tantrum and that a child who was initially testing the boundaries can tip into serious disregulation. The best way to recognise if this has happened is by observing and noticing how it is for the child and responding accordingly.
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